"Non-Mom?" I Don't Think So

Cross posted from the DC Metro Moms Blog

I've been called a lot of things in my life, some nicer than others.

But since becoming the mother of my daughter, no one has ever called me a "Non-Mom" until this weekend.  Yup, you heard me -- a big network called me a Non-Mom.  Well, not just me -- they insulted thousands of other moms, too.

As if a show produced for Mother's Day called "America's Favorite Mom" isn't bad enough -- Hey, America -- who's your most favorite-ist mother off all?? -- someone had the bright idea of dividing all the moms into categories.  You had the Working Mom.  The Military Mom.  The CEO Mom.  And then the ultra-special category just for moms like me -- the Non-Mom.

No, that's not for women who aren't moms yet.  This was a special category and name created just for moms who aren't related to their children biologically -- moms by adoption (me), step-moms (me) and foster moms.

Yup, I'm a Non-Mom.  Does that mean I don't have to cook dinner tonight or finish the laundry?

The vocabulary snafu was so huge, that before the show aired on Sunday, NBC and Teleflora were pressured to change the category to "Adoptive Moms."  That's a smidge better, but the issue that's got steam coming out of my ears isn't what the label says about me, it's what that branding says to kids like my daughter, who was adopted from China, and to all the children who have parents who aren't related to them by blood.

Here's how the logic goes in kid's heads -- if my mom is a "non-mom," I must be a "non-child." Our family must not be as good as others.  We're not a real family like all the other families we know. Families whose children are "borned from" them are real families, and we're not. 

I'm no psychologist, but I've spent enough time talking with my eight-year-old about comments from others about where her "real" mom is to know that there are ingrained prejudices in our country about what families are supposed to look like and, for some reason, a lot of people, including reporters, don't know how to manage talking about non-traditional families without making us seem like a two-headed creature.

It's not just kids on the playground, though.  Plenty of adults make hurtful statements in front of our children that also perpetuate the stereotype that families like ours are second best -- "How much did you pay for her?",  "Why didn't you try harder to have you 'own' child?", "Aren't you worried about her 'real' mother?"

Just when I think the media are starting to understand that a family is a family is a family, they pull another stunt like this Non-Mom thing.  It's bad enough that they have to talk about Nicole Kidman's "adopted" children, or someone's step-kids or their half-siblings.  Families that don't look like the traditional mold are sensationalized and ridiculed.  And our kids aren't missing any of that. 

As for the labels, I only need one -- Mom.  I am a mom.  A real one.  Just like all the other "real" moms the show's producers were aiming for.  As a real mom, I have a long memory.  If the people who came up with the bright idea for this show and for judging families like mine are sorry, maybe they should send out a few complimentary bouquets!

Original 50-Something Moms post.  Joanne writes about the intersection of politics and motherhood, as well as her experiences with adoption, at her place, PunditMom.  You can also find her at MOMocrats and The Huffington Post.