Maybe it’s those
peri-menopausal hormones (the 3 month countdown to 50 has begun), or the
to-do list not done, or all the coffee that gets me through the day,
but I have been up in the middle of the night waaaay too much lately. I
thought when my father passed, things would finally ease a bit, that
some of it the insanity would finally release, but that seems to have
actually ramped things up instead. Everything I put on the back burner
to care for him and support my mother in his final, faltering,
increasingly dependent months is now aflame. My children really need me
present and I am swimming back to them slowly through the muck of
feelings long pushed underground to just grind through those last
gruesome, awful days. Two months since he has died and I have really
just begin to mourn him. The biggest flaming pile in my life is that my son with special needs, the one on the Autism Spectrum does not have a school for next year. Yes, you heard that right, it is now MID-MAY and I have no idea where he is going to school, nor how it will be paid for. We are transitioning in the middle of elementary school, which is none too easy. Friends ask “Can’t he just stay where he is?” and I want to bang my head into the wall (wait, who’s autistic now?) Hindsight is always 20-20. No, he can’t, he’s in a school that only goes K to 2, forcing a change at this point. We had been hoping that he’d be ready now to go to his twin brother’s public elementary school, which has wonderful CTT classes (for the laymen: Collaborative Team Teaching by a Special Ed and regular teacher, kids w/ IEPs integrated into the regular classroom), but no such luck. He still needs more support and a less chaotic environment. So here we are in limbo.
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